st. thomas aquinas once said, "to one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. to one without faith, no explanation is possible."

and likewise in the words of major kira nerys, though i don't know who major kira nerys is, "that's the thing about faith. if you don't have it you can't understand it. and if you do, no explanation is necessary." yeap, that is what good ol' kira apparently said.

ah...=)

these days, it seems to take very little for me to move out of equilibrium. then again, maybe i just catch myself faster and over smaller and smaller things such that it seems like it happens too often. when everyone around you seems to be doing something as if it's the most normal thing in the world but you feel it in your bones that you know that's not who you want to be, what do you do? the frustration had built up inside and i could feel myself moving away from the center because the fact that i was frustrated meant i had much work left to do inside. i said i didn't want to judge so what was that? i had to sit there and listen to it all. i wanted to say things but couldn't, though maybe i could have. every other word i heard uttered amplified the beating of my heart and every word that remained unsaid by me added to the growing lump in my throat. and the smallest things after that made me want to explode from all the passive anger building up inside. i knew it was time to check myself and when i did, i realised how silly and irrational i was becoming, clouded by my anger, and decided to let go of it. and as i type this now, i'm beginning to let go of the rest of it and to, well, "choose" it. and i'm sorry if i, for those brief moments, lost my cool and grew impatient with you. i really am.

sometimes, i remember strange things and sometimes, i remember things for strange reasons and sometimes i remember strange things for strange reasons. REM's "losing my religion" is playing on my computer and my first memory of this song was when we were at a church funfair and this song was blasting and someone (i think my mom) said, "how can they play this song here?" haha.

i've been reading this Manzana Insurance case for business processes over and over again and i think i would probably make a better insurance agent than a business processes analyst by now because i am so familiarised with the processes but don't know where to start for this case study!!! iehwokjgflmekrrjeghwkglje;sgehklj

this sunday doesn't feel like a sunday. some days just don't feel like any particular day of the week.

it's been almost a month. how come i'm not completely healed of this dreadful runny nose and tickly sorethroat?? it seems like i sound nasal permanently now.

i look at all the things i have to do today. and two things run through my mind. sabbath day? and i can't wait to see how everything will fit snugly into the few hours left of this day.

i watched the motor inc dudes drive us from smu to jb and i told myself, one day, one day i'm gonna drive as confidently and with as much gung-ho-ness. i was driving around the go-kart race track at permas jaya and i told myself, one day, one day i'm gonna rule this track and take a photo with that trophy on that dirty, run-down "grand stand". i was playing pool with jeremy while waiting for melt and dookie to clear immigration and i told myself, one day, one day i'm gonna kick ass at pool. as i was walking home after alighting from the cab, i thought about whether i would want to spend money on stuff like go-karting in the future especially when i have to start making my own money and i didn't know what to tell myself. i was sitting in the toilet and a thought suddenly hit me that i was waiting for something, but i didn't know what that "something" was. i was sitting in a car with some strangers today, out of which some were gentle and well-mannered one second, and absolutely vulgar the next and i told myself, wow i'm beginning to think inconsistency is consistent in humans and that noone can really be black or white and this has huge implications for me. today, a thought pranced about in my mind for a few moments...that clothes and the whole idea of them are such strange things, but i didn't tell myself that it was time to run around naked. today, i was observing the guy who was giving us instructions in mandarin at the go-kart place while entertaining a cigarette in one hand, and later on, as he was doing his job on the track, i told myself, if i ever produced a movie, i would have a character like him in it and it was characters like him who brought to life the magic in movies. and i told myself that this was an important point to note if i ever decided to produce my own movie. i waited and waited and waited today, and i told myself, wow, i've spent almost the whole day waiting. sometimes, i get so used to my hand being bent a certain way or my legs being folded another way or my hair being wet that i don't even feel them there anymore (i.e. i feel legless or armless or hairless!) i felt an immense sense of fatigue overpower me and i told myself, maybe it's time to sleep.

DATE WITH ADELINE NEXT THURSDAY.

there, i wrote it down BIG. =)

you know, i foresee that business processes is really going to slaughter me over the next few months. i guess he makes up for the slackness of the other professors. he appears to be really muddle-headed but somehow seems to know what he's doing. i really wonder what is going on in his mind. his crazy workload demanding precision and quality coupled with his chaotic deliverance of it summons the dark clouds over my head and frightens me but what i am more intrigued by is this. that to us, he appears confused and unsure about what he is doing and pretty much loads us with so much work because of this but somehow, i think he knows exactly what is happening and sees the order in what we deem chaotic and inconsistent with a professor who is teaching us about systems and efficiency.

today, we had to hand in a case study report but there was so much confusion in groupings and all my groupmates dropped his class at the last minute that i only managed to find a new group yesterday at 4pm after much chaos and mess (you'll see these words throughout this post). we presented the problem to him but he seemed to be more concerned about the fact that we had woken him up from his afternoon nap. we were all rolling of eyes and swearing in different languages because he just wasn't sure himself what to do about this whole grouping confusion and we had only a few hours left to the deadline. i was so desperate i sent a mail out to a whole class of strangers (at that time) begging for some kind soul to reply and take me in. and another groupless girl followed suit and well, things like these were going on till finally i formed a group with 3 new people (the girl inclusive) who turned out to be really wonderful. how we got together was really amazing and well, that's one whole story by itself. let me take a moment to smile about it......=)

we stayed in school till 1038pm, some of us having gone without lunch and dinner, just to finish it and while we were cussing and swearing about the cruel prof who could have helped prevent this whole grouping confusion, i think that we, or at least i, was thankful for having met these people. we went for a nice lunch-cum-tea-cum-dinner-cum-supper together; ah the nasi goreng ikan bilis was shiok! but i can't deny that i'm scared because this is only the first case study and i dread to face the rest of the term if it's going to be like this.

so today, at 830am, we gathered back in class to face that prof and instead of being annoyed with him, i was, as i said before, intrigued (?). there's something strange about him. something bizarre about his chaotic and inconsistent demeanor. at least, that's how it looks like to me. and perhaps, it looks very different from his side. or maybe, he's also very unsure about himself and is trying to put up an act. i don't know. but there are a sea of question marks up here, not just about variability and inventories and flow times and throughput rates and the (stupid!!) case studies but also about this eccentric young professor, who by the way seems to have ripped his whole syllabus from some other institution which i shall not name. well, you see what i mean. i just don't know what to make of him, and yet, somehow, it all seems to connect.

i was sharing this with one of my groupmates and he thinks i'm obsessed and perhaps, scary even. haha. i don't blame him. but nar, i'm not obsessed. however, i do think that this "case study" is way more fun and interesting. and as i was observing him teach in class today, i imagined myself using my fingers to form a rectangle frame and taking an imaginary snapshot of him like he was my new project the way kirsten dunst did in elizabethtown.

perhaps, someone who reads this might be thinking the same thing about me. "who is this strange girl? she's a bit loony. i wonder what on earth must be going through her mind and how did those stuff ever get in there?" haha. feel free to research. i'd also like to know the results of your findings. ;)

sometimes, i get the feeling that time has gone on while i have been standing still. and sometimes, it feels like i've gone on while time has been standing still. sometimes, i wish time and i stood still in a particular moment forever. sometimes, a moment can feel like forever. sometimes, that moment sings. sometimes, that moment stings. sometimes, that moment sings yet stings and stings yet sings. sometimes, i don't even know what time it is. sometimes, i know the time too well. sometimes, i live in the anticipation of another time. sometimes, i live in the anxiety of a time gone by. sometimes, time and i are in harmony. sometimes, time and i are in a wrestling match. sometimes, it seems like there is no time. sometimes, it seems like i have all the time in the world. sometimes, it seems like you have no time. sometimes, it seems like you have all the time in the world. sometimes, i just need a timeout from time. sometimes, i wish i could turn back time. sometimes, i wish i could fast-forward time, except that i don't know what to fast-forward it to, perhaps any time but this time. sometimes, i say "i'll do it some time" too much. sometimes, "some time" never arrives. sometimes, "some time" departs too soon. sometimes, i don't know when is the time to. sometimes, i don't know when is the time to...stop.

someone give me toothpicks, or safety pins, or anything to keep these eyelids open! on second thought, don't. it's painful just thinking of these painful ways to keep my poor, beaten eyes open and alert. i just leave my eyes idle and they focus off into the distance and it looks like i'm really paying attention to you and am totally interested in what you're saying, but i've actually fallen asleep long ago. that's what they call sleeping with your eyes open...

business processes in the morning. i came in late after spending $21.50 ($21.50!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) on cabfare, which usually costs $8.00 ($8.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) thanks to ERP and the rain and the traffic jam and the taxi booking fee. but really, if you think about it, it's actually thanks to SHIREEN for not waking up earlier and taking the bus. i totally ignored my alarm at 7am and the reminder alarm to collect money for my books at 7.25am and it totally slipped my mind i had to go for class! then, eileen replied my message with i had sent her last night at 7.52am and the message alert tone got me jumping out of bed in a shock. for a moment, i felt time had stopped and i was not in my own body and i was wondering what i had to do. CLASS!! so i rushed through my shower and was calling a cab while washing my face and doing other stuff. but in the cab, i was just thinking, if eileen didn't reply me late or even want to buy my textbooks, i would never have woken up before class started. if i hadn't taken those courses with eileen, i'd have never known her. if i had never taken those courses with those textbooks, i wouldn't be selling them to her today! and the list went on and on and it totally blew my mind!!! haha. seriously.

and when i got to class, there were no more seats and it wasn't my usual class because i was going for a make-up so i had to sit RIGHT IN FRONT of the professor, as sleepy as i was. and then, after all that, eileen didn't meet me to buy the books so i'm meeting her later. and here i am now in my second class of the day, finance. i'm so dead because i drifted off to "sleep" (refer to above) and now i don't know what's going on though my face is good at showing that i do. and i shouldn't be blogging if i'm in this situation.

yes, you shouldn't.

i know.

this is a totally useless post.

i know.

the finance prof seems to be rather poetic. that was a conclusion i had reached in the first half of the lesson but now, it's the second half and i've already forgotten what poetic things it was that he said. i only remember that he was poetic because..well...finance and poetry?

aargh why does everyone look like they understand? maybe, they have the same super-power as me.

shut up and pay attention.

ok.

we spend our whole lives looking for that one moment when love is made perfect in us. and when it comes, it is perfect. everything gets blown out of proportions but everything is just right like that. there is no limit, not even the sky. generosity and kindness know no boundaries and millions of "thank you"s swell up from within. nothing can chain you down, not life, not even death, and you suddenly feel the power and freedom to believe in something bigger, something you've never dared to believe in nor dreamt possible...and now, have the courage to walk towards it.

hollywood never captured that. there were the lovely walks on bridges late into the nights, kissing in the rain, the most romantic ways you could ever propose to someone, the pain when two people who were in love were apart, and the list goes on as far and wide as imagination can. those scenes never fail to stir up the whole myriad of emotions in us. but they never capture that connection because even if they attempt to, noone can ever understand it, nor see it. not even the actors themselves. but if you ask me, that is the most beautiful and intimate part.

the fox told the little prince, "now here is my secret, very simply; you can only see things clearly with your heart. what is essential is invisible to the eye."

and somewhere else...

"yes," i said to the little prince. "whether it is a house, or stars, or the dessert, what makes their beauty is invisible."

ok, well, let's get the formalities out of the way first. happy new year! ok, now, let's move on...haha that's what you call "phaemie style".

"let's just skip the candles and eat the cake!" phaemie, what were you thinking???? haha.

the first week of school has already passed and it was nothing short of amazing. well, not because of school i'd say. i guess it's because of everything combined. the whole package together. i won't bore you or myself (though it's not boring to me) about the events of the past week up to 5.38pm on this rainy monday. and oh man!!! i just glanced to my left and i saw my 4, no 5, overdue library books sitting on my shelf!!!! gah, whenever i borrow books from the library, it only means one thing. no, two things. first, it's FINES galore! second, i never even read some of them. seems to me that the peak lies in the selection process of the books. it's almost spiritual. the way you swim through the whole ocean of books and you could pick any but...you don't. i don't, at least. i don't even look out for particular authors or books recommended by influential people, the media or my own papa. i just try to tap into the "force" and find the books that i feel are calling out to me. it's not an easy process and i can spend more than an hour doing this. at the end of it, i can't deny that i'm tired and it doesn't help that my shoulders are weighed down by the new addition of at least 4 books (5, this time, cos during the holiday period, the national library increased the maximum) in my far too small bag. but the weight of those books makes me feel lighter and brighter at the same time, knowing that i have 4 (or 5) new worlds to explore, meant only for me (and a few selected others, or maybe, really just me) at that particular point in time. i can't begin to describe how excited that makes me feel! but i also can't deny that i am disappointed sometimes. and i also can't deny that most of the time, it really seems like those books and i were meant to cross paths...

so it's been 2 months plus since i've passed driving. since i've passed, people have been telling me that i'll get really sick of it and fed up of sending people home. but i think passing my driving is probably one of the best things that could've ever happened to me, at least right now. i jump at every opportunity to send people home or wherever and i just love to do errands now and i love it when my mom or dad tells me to drive and they just sit back and relax like it's the most normal thing in the world. i guess i feel honoured that i'm trusted to drive. it really is an honour. also, i love the way i have to focus, even as i have a conversation with people or change the radio channels. and i love playing whatever music i like when i'm alone and singing as loud as i want to in whatever way i want to (believe me, it could be scary and i'd probably look possessed to pedestrians and other drivers outside). and i enjoy having conversations with my honourable passengers and changing the music for them or winding down the windows for them. i love those few minutes of connection that we share in that short ride home. it's just different from sitting in a coffeeshop and talking. it's very intimate for some reason and because i'm in such a high level of concentration, i really focus on whoever i'm talking to. running errands for people and my parents letting me drive undoubtedly makes me feel older but not in a bad way. i feel more capable and confident and i like the fact that i actually really like doing these things for people while it helps them at the same time. and driving, like borrowing library books, is such a spiritual experience for me. the way i have to trust my intuition be it making a U-turn or parking or turning around bends in carparks or finding my way to places i don't really know how to get to. most of the time, i don't have the luxury (is it a luxury?) of following a manual and i really have to "feel". and i talk to god alot during these drives, whether in my heart or aloud, and the joy is immeasurable. and the late night drives home are just the most sacred and beautiful things up to the moment i park the car and close the gates back at home. because to me, i feel that every trip i begin and end safely is a miracle in itself.

am i being too much of a drama mama? i don't know what is too much anyway. what "they" say? who are "they" anyway? haha. well, i guess some things just affect others more than other things do. is it because those things are part of the callings of our respective souls? and when they hit us so hard, is it because our soul recognises that call? what is it? i guess a million people would answer these questions in a million and one ways. and each of them would be right in each of those million and one ways. isn't that exhilirating and totally perplexing??!!

business processes. i don't know what made me pick that professor but i did. and boy is there ALOT of work to do. i think i bid for my courses the same way i choose library books. to me, i don't rely on "public" opinion because everyone has a different opinion and well, they're just opinions, not facts. instead, i just rely on "intuition" again. which professor am i meant to have? where are the students whose lives i am meant to cross paths with? and the timing of these courses, how will they affect the rest of my time for the rest of the term and the lives of the people around me? i don't even answer the questions but i know that the courses i choose affect the answers and so i once again, try to tap into that "force" and flow with it. don't worry, people, i'm not on anything i shouldn't be on. haha.

well, living that way just fills me with joy and makes me look forward to every second because i'm always excited to see where the wind will blow me to and from. it's almost like a game and it's just...FUN! and by playing it, i have been made to open my doors to new and radical ways of loving and living, ways which i've never even dreamt of before. and when joyce popped me an msn message just now to say she was bored, i replied her asking her whether she thought life was amazing. yea that was really random but i said that not because i wanted to be ironic but because, i just "felt" i had to say it. seems to be the case for so many things i do and say these days. i just "feel" i have to do those things and then, i do them!

well, oh yes, i was talking about business processes. so i chose this particular professor but there's soooo much work to do!! and i just realised i have a case study due by midnight! ok shireen, the "force" says you should get lost now!

turn the volume up now if you have not done so and let us give a warm welcome to singingfool on the right who has just moved in with us. yay!!

this week, singingfool will be playing for us 4 songs.

1) The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes
2) Foo Fighters - Best of You
3) Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly
4) REM - Everbody Hurts

the first was the only postal service song singingfool had but i like it anyway. it is a crime to leave the jokers, foo fighters, out. and i like that REM video. if you want to hear them all, then you have to stay here till the end because i don't know whether there is any skin i can choose that will let you scroll to a particular song. i'll go explore. in the meantime, enjoy!!

=)