what if i was called to be small, like really small, to be the least amongst the least?
what if my heart was called to be really big, so big i could explode from it?
what if i was called to let myself dissolve into nothingness, to make nothing about me?
what do i do with these desires, do i die to them all but one? because that one desire, if recognised, would consume my everything and nothing less?

wave after wave, the cup i'm swimming in is filling fast. and as the water rises, i'm begining to ask myself, is this what you are calling me to see, to be? because lately, i've come to realise that my love is not as selfless as i would desire it to be. most of the time, it seems to be about me. "do you see? do you notice?" and i wonder, how can two people love so differently, one so patient and constant, one so impulsive and wild, and both call it "love"? lately, i'm starting to see that perhaps they're two different ends of the spectrum. one, almost selfless. one, almost selfish. and the questions above, i've been thinking about them more and more, as the days go by, as i find myself sometimes curling up into a ball, feeling utterly torn apart inside, between my desire to be loved the way i want to and the desire to love the way i want to. it scares the hell out of me. but what is fear anyway? can i believe that my love could ever be THAT big?

i just wanted to say...

ever since i came to new zealand, i've been continually surprised by a certain realisation...loneliness doesn't seem to touch me here. and another funny thought has been rolling around in my mind, bittersweet, sharp and mild, like a super-cola sweet in the warm coccoon of my mouth...only two things make me cry here, onions and.

and then yesterday, i had forgotten to change my sim card to my new zealand one the whole day (maybe i forgot on purpose cos i was waiting for. (punctuation intended, explanation perceived as necessary for my greek blogging) (does this not look almost like a maths equation/problem?)). so at 745pm, i get a call and in 10 minutes, i was all dressed up and ready to go watch harry potter. tickets were booked for me since morning, i had no idea. they were trying to contact me the whole day day, i had no idea. i was feeling totally sick the whole day, and i predicted a night of lying in bed or staring at my laptop (waiting some more, thank god it was not so). next thing i know, i was whisked away in a little car to watch a glasses-wielding young wizard try yet again to defeat he-who-must-not-be-named, followed by late night supermarket shopping (hey, there was a car and i know a good opportunity when i see one). and i was thinking to myself, how life can change with just one phonecall (don't some of us just know this too well). or the change of a sim card. and i cut my connection with one whole part of my life. and begin one (sometimes, again) with another.

when the skies here are blue, they are very blue. and at night, when the sky is clear, i see more stars than i've seen anywhere else in the world (though the kiwis don't seem to see what's the big deal as they say i ain't seen nothing yet). and it just blows my mind, that something so limitless can exist. again and again, it just blows my mind.

we were driving along the outskirts of christchurch, rolling hills, blue blue lakes, snow-covered mountains, and at times i wondered, why wasn't my heart beating so fast? it usually would. and i realised, it's cos it all seemed too easy. me being there. it was just too easy. how could i just...be there...like that? by accident (there was no accident! i feel like this whole post is filled with unintended puns!)...unplanned...in a little blue car...hour after hour, how could there be more and more?? it just seems so unreal sometimes. all this. how can there be a new gorgeous place to see weekend after weekend? insane!

and providence. from the moment i left singapore. each step of my way, each day, each meal, each..everything, it's pretty hard to explain. and it's probably the reason why i'm pretty cool about everything, no worries. i know, i mean, i really just KNOW, that god's hand is upon me. i know his angels are doing a real kickass job. oh you won't believe! and i know that there are many people who love me and are praying for me everyday. and like all those other times when i've gone for mass in foreign countries, it's no different here. i love it! it really makes me appreciate the eucharist more and it really becomes the highlight of my sunday. there's just me anyway. i tried to ask certain catholics i had met here whether they would like to go for mass with me on sundays, but it appears that catholics don't go to church anymore! haha. and of all people, my hindu flatmate, whom i hadn't even asked, said she would accompany me some sundays because she finds it very peaceful just being there.

over here, i love to ask questions. i love to contribute in class. i make more effort to do readings and catch up on work and study a little harder. i don't know why. the strangest thing is there's no class participation point system here. and the stranger thing is, in SMU, when there's one, i just find it such an ABHORRING CHORE to participate. class participation points. yuck. i guess it's got something to do with intrinsic and extrinsic motivations and rewards. that theory about being more intrinsically motivated to achieve something or fulfil a task when the external gains are few, if any, and the higher the external gains/rewards, the lower the intrinsic motivation for the task or whatever, it's just extrinsic.

this post should have been a long one, full of pictures. i've been here almost a month. i've been away from home for almost a month! i feel like i've been here forever. sometimes, the past starts to feel like a dream. i remember things, i remember people, i remember reno's head on my lap, i remember waking up on my bed in the morning and opening my eyes to the blue sky and the purple walls, i remember walking on the field to the busstop under the hot afternoon sun, i remember driving the car around at nights, i remember alot of things, random things, sentimental things, bizarre things. but they're just memories, there are holes in them, blurs in some corners. guess because everything around me is so unfamiliar and foreign, and somehow, not. and i find i don't wonder about tomorrow. i don't know what tomorrow will bring and it doesn't seem to matter. i deal with tomorrows as they come. my mind is filled with less thoughts, consuming thoughts, thoughts consuming thoughts. and my head and heart seem to be where my feet is. there's a certain kind of peace that comes with that. until the part when i think about. then i blink my eyes and walk on. that's the part i don't know how to deal with. maybe sometimes i purposely think about it, i purposely remember it, i purposely get sad and all emo about it, so that i'd know it's worth coming back to again some day. i really don't know.

does it sound like i've gone cold or bonkers, like the winter here? far from it really. by the way, the last 2 days have been pretty pleasant. 15 degrees celsius. it's like all of a sudden, spring/summer invaded and the board shorts, tank-tops and slippers all suddenly appeared. i'm not kidding.

but don't worry. i will do it eventually. that long post. and oh, what a long post it will be!!! and it'll probably take me a few days..insane!!! just can't promise when. i'm pretty random like that. i like it like that. but i do know i've got lots to say, when have i ever not?

ever watched "crash"? sometimes i feel so afraid i'll turn into sandra bullock's character. angry, paranoid and unhappy for the longest time. we look at her and think, nar, we'll never be that anal. but you know what? it doesn't seem so impossible, at least for myself.

i didn't sleep much last night. i keep thinking and thinking. but this isn't really something new. everytime i'm about to leave the country, i get like this. i start thinking about goodbyes, all sorts of goodbyes. death, especially. i start thinking about all the relationships i have in life. i start thinking about things i should and want to do. have i flown a kite yet? have i eaten ba chor mee at 85 yet? have i had the conversations i've really wanted to have with certain people? did i make my peace with everyone? did i let them all know just how much i love them?

but late last night as i lay in bed, i felt disappointed and scared. i felt that my last days here would be bitter and rushed. i felt that i hadn't made my peace with some people. i felt that i had forgotten to love some people. i felt that i still hadn't been loved the way i want to be. i felt that i had failed to "get" some people and failed to be "gotten" by others. and i just cried helplessly into my pillow as though i were grieving for something.

time's running out for me here. i know it's not like i'm dying. but we can never be too sure about that. and being away from almost everyone you've ever known and loved, you just can't take chances here. that's why the moment between life and death is so intense. everything becomes brighter and bigger and i guess a sense of isolation also kicks in because the people around you can't understand that.

don't get me wrong. i love travelling. it made up most of my dreams when i was younger and still does. but there's a tricky part to travelling. two, actually. the goodbyes. and then, the hellos. (how do you start over? just.like.that.)

romance, friendships, break-ups, births, deaths, going away, coming home, life before death, life after death. you gotta admit, there's some travelling involved there. some hellos, some goodbyes. and the heart will undergo some extremities. intense pain, the aches seem almost unbearable. intense joy, as though you would just burst any second.

i just needed to say this, to who i don't know. we're all bursting with things we're dying to say, we all just want to be gotten. but there's lots to be thankful for too. and god forbid i ever forget to be grateful! i'm sad, but i'm also really alot of other things. so stay tuned for the next post...

the only thing

if you knew the one you loved with all you had was going to die tomorrow, would you hold him/her a bit more tightly today? keep showering him/her with kisses? keep telling him/her how much you love her? keep gazing at his/her face and focusing on nothing else but him/her? keep holding his/her hand in yours? would you buy him/her his/her favourite food/flower? sing his/her favourite song to him/her? make him/her laugh a little harder? hug him/her closer when the tears are falling?

then let me tell you something my friends.

you should do that everyday for the ones you love. what makes you so sure that tomorrow will come for you? or for the ones you love? really. what makes you so damn sure?

so please, swallow your pride, place your selfishness aside, suck in your tiredness, let go of your anger and unforgiveness, forget about your laziness and know why you are here. never take anything or anyone for granted. live like there's only today. love like there's no tomorrow. because, really, is there?

There's only us,
There's only this,
Forget regret,
Or life is your to miss,
No other road,
No other way,
No day but today

- from Rent

do you realise?

all these photos and what do i do with them?

easter, christmas, new year...i love these times of year, discounting all the huff and puff and blow the house off dust and "make sure you wear something proper, go wear that dress!" and ladadeeda! the family gets together and it's nice. and from time to time, there are new additions, and that's also nice. and occasionally, well, there are some subtractions. well, you do the math. we still remember them and they're there with us in our hearts.

easter is the celebration of new life and how apt it is that almost every easter has coincided with the time of 3 of our birthdays (the april babies)! my uncle (joe) on the 8th, mine on the 10th and my grandma (amama) on the 12th (which is today! happy birthday amama! if you happen to be surfing the net and come across this! haha!).



no family gathering is complete without the stereo effect of the twins. of course, we have to brace ourselves for the side-splitting laughter they generate with their crazy sense of humour. kudos to mervin who managed to tahan their teasing!

a burst of sunshine in the shade! seems like all the smile-inducing people (reno included) are decked in similar colour tones today. that's nisha patting reno rally royal.

you see what i mean! that guy with that smile that makes his eyes disappear, that's haresh! nisha was quite thrilled with him. it's always amusing to see little kids charmed by other little kids and suddenly acting like older brothers or sisters. amazing!


these two guys (uncle ishu and joe) are hilarious. they were like best friends the whole time! they claimed they were having "heart to heart talks" and i found that terribly funny! the story behind it is that they've both suffered heart attacks at one point or another and so they were giving each other advice on food the whole time and the funny thing is, they were seeking each other's approval to eat all the unhealthy food! "is it ok?" "yea little bit can lar." "ok!" hahaha.

mervin came over later. he looks a bit duh. i think he's still recovering from the boohoos my cousins gave him haha. poor thing. and maybe cos we overfed him. shrug.

somehow i just really really love this card!!!! not bad ar, praaaaaaaak (everyone call mervin that from now on)!

look at what pravin made for me!! he designed some t-shirts for me using my real photos haha. i was really very touched. thank you again!

and would you believe it? the contractors who are doing up my house now (painting and repairing our ceilings) gave me a present and a cake!! melt! they gave me this thing below. the holy family and crucifix on something that looks like an open bible and the coolest part is when you turn the switch on at the bottom, these techno-looking lights come on! haha. looks like something you'd find on an ah beng's car dashboard!



and of course, though i can't put a picture of them here, i got some beautiful gifts from my long-time "anonymous" friend from a faraway place! thank you again!can't wait to enjoy them properly after the exams! =)

moving on, i was ransacking one of my drawers today to look for those mini post-its to tag my notes (thank goodness the exams are all open-book this time!) and i found a few things of note.

look! a connect 4 pen!! haha. but alas, there are only 3 seeds in it! =\

i also found these notes! look familiar, anyone?

they're from neilly and zee. i still remember that day. it was a tues or weds. the night before, i had gotten my heart broken. we were having our 830am MA(managerial, or management, accounting)class. as all other 830am classes days at that time, i took a lift from jeremy's dad. i remembered how i was tearing in the car all the way to school since no one could see me in the backseat. and when we reached school, i told jeremy to go to class first and i ran off to the toilet to cry it all out for a while. when i came out, jeremy was still there and he saw my eyes (they get really red when i cry). and he stayed with me and we talked and i cried some more and he ran to the toilet to get a whole bunch of toilet paper so i could wipe my tears away. we were of course really late but i just didn't give a damn that morning.

i thought the tsunami of tears was over. or so i thought. but in class, they were there alright, threatening to spill over ever so often. i can't remember whether i was crying in class while the lecture was going on. i don't know. but i knew i had to get out of there because the tears were stinging hot in my eyes. i just couldn't see how i was ever going to be happy again. i finally left the class and walked to a bench in a quiet corner and called sheryl and told her the same thing i had told jeremy earlier and then cried a whole lot more. ya lar, i'm a cry baby what!

i can't remember exactly when they gave me those notes. neilly and zee wrote these little notes to me and i was touched. those were the times of the teacuppers. haha. well, those times are now floating somewhere in time, but they're there alright. 2 years have passed since then and things aren't really the same anymore. still, it's nice to remember. somehow, in these painful moments of gut-wrenching heartbreak and heartbreaking loneliness, someone out there is still looking out for you to make sure you have all you need to get through. no, you won't get what you want (hey, that's really a good thing sometimes), but you'll get what you need to get through it all.

ooops, i went on and on. but here are those notes!


and then, i found this notebook! i had it from way back in 2003.

i remember it was 2003 because i saw the plans sheryl and i wrote out during our Club Med Bintan trip after the prelims. everyone was stressing about the 'A's but sheryl and i were flying on trapezes and lying on deckchairs along the white sandy beaches of bintan. haha. this only happens with sheryl i tell you! wait till you hear about her plans for the coming year! well, here are the plans. we did most or all of it!


there were lots of other things in that notebook. job interview appointments, telephone numbers, letters to god, ambitions, things to do, books to read, movies to watch. that's what happens when you give me pen and some paper. i just have to write something down all the time! and well, there were also quotations in that book and i'll just end off with the one below (i have no idea where i got it from!). with love!

below is a sharing i posted on another blog which i am part of. one of the mustard seed community's cell group blogs. thought i'd share it over here too...

***

i haven't really been blogging ANYWHERE for a while. but anyway, i'm in school now and it's 1035am. i actually took a cab down and reached here about 1020am and though i was late for my 10am meeting (which i am) BUT...

but noone else is here!!! either on their way or overslept or suddenly had "something important". faint faint faint. (!!!!!) haha here's what i'm trying to figure out. you see, i decided to take the 147 from a different busstop today which meant that i had to cross a road at a traffic light. and while i am waiting at the traffic light, i see a 147 stop at the busstop and as i'm crossing the road it leaves and i can't get it in time. (now if i had walked to the usual busstop i would have gotten it). so at 935am, i decided i should take a cab. while i stand there hailing a cab, THREE 147s (or is it four?) stop and go. and then i decide to change my position to get a cab and walk through the HDB carpark to get to the other main road and there coming towards me is an EMPTY cab (which was so weird cos it was just so hard to get a cab!!). now, this empty cab turned into a carpark lot so i thought it was parking...but it reversed out cos it was actually making a three-point turn to go out. (!!! again) by this time, i was wondering...should i just go home? what was god telling me?

why was it that everything i thought i needed and wanted was just infront of me and yet, not meant for me?

finally, i was waiting there when this big cab u-turned and stopped infront of me because the two sneaky people who both wanted to hail my cab were too slow (they appeared from nowhere lar!). apparently the cab driver had been at the coffeeshop on the opposite side of the road and had seen me there for the longest time...

anyway, i reached school and guess what? i was the only one from my group there!! the room was empty. and i was thinking, if i had taken one of those 147s which god had so generously provided (3 or 4 mind you) right infront of me, i would have also just reached school and saved money. if i had taken the first 147 which left the busstop while i was waiting at the traffic light, i would have been too early even though i was late.

this whole situation this morning was just so ironic. people sometimes use this word, suay (how do u spell it??). and i was thinking, i must have been one helluva suay person this morning. but then, is it really suay just cos everything was so near and yet so far and it seemed like i had wasted time and money? or was it that i was just not going with the flow of life? whose flow? to where? do you take the most obvious thing staring at you in the face? is the road less travelled always the way? maybe the road less travelled is sometimes less travelled because it really shouldn't be travelled on. do you know what i mean???

here's my train of thought:

1. god's will = the flow
2. god's will= for my joy and success(jeremiah 29:11 => For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ")
3. to go against the flow = to go against God's will = to go against joy and success

well, this is my friday morning reflection. and i'll just end of with a prayer.

***

dear god,

sometimes, i am blind or stubborn and am unable to see your plans for me or to live according to your will. i pray that you teach me to be in tune with your will and live according to it no matter where i am or what the time of day is. teach me to abandon my reliance on the world, on emotions, on words, on intellect. teach me to place all my trust in you, to make all decisions firmly rooted in you. guide my hands, my feet, my heart, my mind so that they are all forever heading in your direction, drawing closer and closer to you. home is where the heart is, lord. you are my home and that is where i have always been, am and will be truly happy, that is where your will leads me. remove all barriers and blockages that deter me from flowing down this river that leads to you. thank you and praise you, father, for always waiting so patiently and lovingly for me to come home. thank you for running a hundred steps towards me for every 1 step which i slowly inch towards to you. thank you for the way you embrace me with the warmth and the light of your love. thank you for the abundant blessings you so generously pour out on me and the lessons you teach me each day through everything in life. lord, let me never be blind, let me not fall into those black-holes, but rather, i pray that i will always be thankful and joyful for you are here with me, loving me constantly. teach me to love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, all my strength and teach me to love my neighbour as myself and to be a neighbour to those you have placed before me. i have so much to learn, lord. i am eager and i desire to let my heart be moulded after yours. come, lord, jesus, make me new, create in me a clean heart.
amen.

love,
shireen

***

p.s. suay = unlucky

i wanted to start this post with something ...whoa....you know? to capture the whole day and all these feelings in my heart. but well, this is it i guess. haha.

see, i wanted to find a word that rhymes with blues to replace blues in "monday blues" but i wanted it to be a happy word. can someone think of a good alternative? i decided i'd just get straight to the post. 2 paragraphs and i'm still beginning the post. haha. okok. shut up and talk(type)!

i feel like i'm in my essence today. somehow, i feel hopeful yet again. it's been a long time since i've felt this way, alive and brimming with the joy of just being. term break is over and maybe that's a good thing though all SMU students must think i'm nuts for saying that. and today as i was going to school for my first conflict resolution class, i just knew, like really knew in my heart, that everything was going to be alright...no matter what. more importantly, i simply knew i was on the road to joy. funny i was thinking that because jack johnson's rainbow from the thicker than water album happened to be playing on my player.

Well I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
Yes I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
And there was god,
Tellin me,
"Everything.. Everythings gonna be alright"

i had been telling myself for some time now that i had to snap out of this sadness. the only reason i didn't was because i was too stuck in my ways. in my reply to janice's comment in the last post, i mentioned a bit about how sadness had become addictive. psycho alert! but really, do you ever indulge in misery? do you like to stay in a sad mood longer than you know you should? if you are no stranger to this blog and to me, you are probably no stranger to my blackhole theories. when you are in blackhole, you are sucked into an illusion which seems to create the reality you live in. and everything that enters your sphere of being gets sucked into it as well. you really believe you are weak, powerless, unworthy, unlovable and whatever else you are creative enough to imagine. seriously, there is no truth in these words you tell yourself when you are in such a place, but you believe with all your heart as if it's THE truth. and believe you me, i am one rather creative piece of creation.

why was i so happy today? do you know what it feels like to see things AS THEY ARE? world, this may be no big deal to you but to me, it is mind-blowing. i took the double-decker 147 home today and did something i haven't done in a long time. as i reached the upper deck, one of my blog posts about how i sat right in front of the upper deck of a double-decker one day came to mind and no prizes for guessing where i ended up. as i sat there, i just looked and looked and looked! there was so much to see! and i realised that for once, i was looking without all these things caught in my mind. it was such a pleasure to look really. i looked at the buildings, i looked at the cars, i looked at the drivers, i looked at passengers sitting on upper decks in other double-decker buses, i looked at a man starting up his motorcycle and putting on his helmet, i looked at the huge advertisements on sides of buildings, i looked at the skinny old man cycling his bike across a busy road as though he was the king of it, oblivious to the fact that all the cars were turning onto that road, i looked at the drains, i looked at the grey skies, i looked at the branches of trees and marvelled how they were literally reaching up to the sun, i looked at the old man in his wheelchair sitting at the lobby of the hospital with his caretaker staring blankly at traffic on the road and wondered what was going through his mind, i looked at the windows and doors of flats and wondered who live behind them, i looked and looked and looked and i never felt so happy just simply...looking! everything seemed clearer, more alive, brighter, more hopeful....or maybe it was just me. being in blackholes makes the world so small and dark and you can't really see what is outside. being inside so long makes this experience today feel so new and awe-inspiring, as though i've just been let out of prison, as though my eyes are adjusting to the brightness of the sun after being cooped up in a dark room for so long.

i had to take a picture, you know me. so there i am sitting right infront of the bus with my camera poised to take a picture of some road with trees lining it and it makes me laugh inside thinking what the other passengers must have thought of this.

(looking at this sight just filled me with an inexplicable feeling of something like hope)

upon reaching home, i could not help but recognise that familiar bounce in my step and i could not help but smile. ever smiled for no reason? cuckoo! well, in the words of sheryl crow, if it makes you happy, it can't be that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.....

and just now, mervin and i were going to the minor seminary adoration room for a while to pray. on the way, we stopped at hougang mrt for mervin to top up his card or something and we had to pass by the fair again! i've been dying to go on the ferris wheel, perhaps cos i miss how often we used to go on the rides at moreys piers. but we ended up on the challenger instead!!! haha, it was pretty fun. scary but not that scary. i still decided to scream just for the sake of it and made sure i kept my eyes open throughout, if not, what's the point right?? then i bought some boiled peanuts from the HUUUUUUUUUGE pasar malam (night market) and while waiting for mervin to draw money at the atm, my itchy fingers reached for a $1 coin in my pocket and i put it into the slot machine and turned the knob and bought myself a CLAPBALL. i had no idea what in the world that was and i just needed to know. and my gosh! clap it did!! hahaha. what you do is that you just throw it on the ground and this small little thing makes one helluva noise!! boy was i thrilled! and finally, like two small kids (though mervin says i should say one but whatever!), we headed to the ado. it was a cool experience. i was sitting there reading the gospel of luke and imagining jesus saying those words and doing all those things he did and when i looked up, he was also there in the eucharist right infront of me. 2000 years later, and he's still there, here, even in this little dot of an island in between some hdb blocks, still speaking to me, still working miracles, still forgiving, still healing, still loving...

later on, we took a short walk to punggol park next door so that we could enjoy the boiled peanuts under the clear, starry sky and when we looked up, we saw that a moon corona had formed again, only this time, the ring around it was red, unlike the rainbow one we saw the last time. and it was funny because then it started to look like a pair of lips with a piece of mentos in between and then, it morphed into a monkey's head with a pair of really thick red lips and the mentos still between them. i tried to take a photo but the phone camera wasn't good enough so too bad. as we walked back to the car, we paused a while to look at the reflection of the lights from the hdb blocks nearby in the pond/lake/whatever because for some reason, it just looked beautiful today. here's a picture...

while walking back to the car, we saw this cat lazing on the hood of someone's car and found it pretty funny. the cat just continued posing for this shot (i took pretty long to take it cos it was so dark)...cats...pfft!

and finally, we called it a day. on the way back, we stopped by 7-11 so that he could buy bread and my mocha. and now, i'm back home typing this post so that i won't forget this day. and can i just add a picture of cute little sarah-ann smiling because it would be a crime to not do so? (that's her mommy carrying her and she happens to be my godmama as well.)
and you know during lent, how we decide we want to give up a particular something? i decided what i want to give up (yes i know lent has aready started). i want to give up this bad addiction of mine, this addiction to misery. i don't care anymore why or how i got this way. i just know it's not working and it sure has a way of disconnecting me from god from community from life from love. it is totally disempowering, not just for me but for those around me as well. lent is supposed to be solemn right? for me, it will be a period of joy, of new life and transformation. and when it is over, my old wine skin will be made new to hold the new wine of christ and i will be a new being. i am giving up being sad. (yay!) and i have an action plan for it too. the most important part of this plan...prayer! if there's one thing i've learnt throughout this time of being in this dessert, it probably has got to be something to do with faith. i can't tell you i'm totally enlightened and i know all the answers now, but i can tell you that faith really does move mountains and creates paths where none appear to exist. i knew, yesterday, that i desired to be happy. i didn't know how. but i prayed and i just knew that no matter how tall this request seemed, he would grant me it. and today when i woke up, i didn't have to check whether i had it. i already knew it the moment i prayed.

if the past few weeks, this dessert and the gospel of luke lectures have taught me anything, it is this: lord, i'm not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and i shall be healed.

it's so wonderful to be able to google your own blog!

those close enough to me will know that i have been pretty down and out for quite some time now, such that being sad has become a weekly routine. as usual, i always ask why. as usual, i always analyse and turn into my own psychologist. well, i think i'm better as a story-teller than as a psychologist because i am able to come up with millions of theories that all fit the state i am. the problem is, i don't know which one is the right one. and so now i think, perhaps the question shouldn't be "why" anymore. and perhaps, it shouldn't be me answering it anymore. what's funny is that though i feel i've changed these days, straying farther away from the bubble of joy i believed i used to be for a while, these emotions i experience now and the way i experience them feel so....familiar. as though it's the most normal thing in the world, as though i'm a pro at this, as though i've always been like this!

i was bored and started to google certain words in my blog just now. fireworks, raymond (are you honoured?? i figured there would be some funny entries) and a few others words. and all these entries brought a smile to my face. how happy i sounded then, how unjaded and excited, how light, and sometimes even wise. i wondered whether i would be able to write such entries now and remembered the words a friend had typed in a mail to me, telling me that day by day, it seemed as though i was changing, leaving the little shireen behind. so then, i decided to google the word "sad", knowing i must have used that word in many entries before, considering how sadness seemed to feel like my companion recently. and the results were amazing!

i felt i had found a friend. a friend who totally understood what i was going through and what i was feeling, a friend who understood the loneliness and silence that has been plaguing me for so often now, a friend who had fallen deep into blackholes and crawled out of it. for those who are confused, i'm talking about this girl (especially towards the bottom). yes, i was right. this is not the first time and perhaps it is not that i have changed, i have just stayed in this place longer than i should. reasons and triggers may have changed but what i am going through is nothing new. i've just been telling the same story of this experience in different words and different ways and all it's done is confused me terribly, i've fallen into a mess.

isn't it amazing? google helped me to find myself! haha. ha.

i'm not done yet. there is one more thing. I HAVE FORGOTTEN TO PRAY. and i think this is the most important part. i'm not talking about forgetting to pray for good things and to be happy. that is really more like asking. i'm talking about how i've disconnected myself from god so much, no different from how i've disconnected myself from so many people in my life at this moment. and i'm not just talking about plain talking. i'm talking about how the reception has become like static noise on the radio when the connection is poor, cluttered and almost totally out of the required frequency. i'm talking about how bit by bit, day by day, i've been tuning out.

i think i've rolled in the mud long enough for now.

thank you ...

(here, they cannot wilt away and i'm still as young as yesterday.)

not just for the roses (they're beautiful). and not just for being the reason i had to wake up at 7am this morning. but also, and more importantly, for the love you lavish so generously on me. it's something i sometimes find so hard to understand; how deep and constant your love for me is. so many times, i get so caught up in the little things. what you didn't do, what you should have done, whether your actions are enough, is what you are going to say or do gonna hurt me, bla and bla and so on and etc. ah, if only i had really looked carefully, i would have seen, in all those moments, that no matter what you said i said you did i did they said they did, you were really loving me the same through it all, just like you always told me. it's not that you never told me, i just find it hard to believe. i'm starting to.

you love me in your own way, whether this is the way the world loves or not. please forgive me, it's just that i had certain expectations and notions of what love was. as though there was some mould your love had to fit or else it wouldn't classify as love. i found it hard to accept then. i'm starting to.

i was silent in the car as you drove me home today because i caught myself getting caught up in the small things again. and as you were turning in onto my lane, i told myself i wasn't going to fall into that blackhole with these things swimming in my mind and i wasn't going to pour it all out on you while you patiently take it all in. i had realised, as you were driving me home today, that even in my silence which can really sting at times, you didn't seem to love me any less. and from then till now, i've been doing some thinking. and this is just what i wanted you to know.

i struggle with coming across as mushy i'm supposed to roll my eyes or make a spoof out of romance and mock valentines day and definitely not type such things for everyone to see faint!!! but anyway, the other thing i wanted you to know (though you'll tell me you already know) is that.

i love you. alot. :)

(cue to faint)

i just saw a moon corona! this is what i saw...


well this is not the exact picture of what i saw (my phone camera wasn't good enough). i got it from this site. but i saw something that looked exactly like this as i was walking from the car to the gate about 45 minutes ago (around 1am, something's wrong with my blog's time settings)! at first i thought it was a moonbow. mervin told me about moonbows before and i got really excited cos i thought i was really coming face to face with one! of course, i got straight to googling it while sitting on my royal throne and that's when i discovered the world of moon bows, moon dogs and moon coronas! how fascinating!!!

you know, at times like this, i feel as though the whole universe is conspiring to make me smile. all this just for me. thank you. =)

IT and the law class on wednesday opened up a whole new world to me. excuse me for being slow but world, do you realise the wealth that awaits us at project gutenberg?? (please keep it alive!) so anyway, i started reading jane eyre by charlotte bronte and nothing could tear my eyes away from the computer screen. strange since i do not have the stamina to keep up with these so-called classics whose average sentence spans 3 or more lines to a whole paragraph at times! and the next day, in oh-so-dreadfully-boring strategy class, i was all the while in this other world where jane eyre resided and while others were struggling to connect to msn or just to stay awake, my heart was beating excitedly as i hungrily devoured the words of charlotte bronte. i think i'm starting to blog that way too. it's so funny because when i was typing out my study plan for my exchange application, i found myself starting to sound as impassioned and long-winded as one of these novelists! how impressionable i am! and how i cannot stop typing this way now! shireen, return henceforth!!!

so this paragraph below talks about how jane eyre, a girl mistreated and abused before, is in awe as she watches helen burns being bullied and picked on by miss scatcherd. jane cannot believe that anyone can accept such injustice and abuse so calmly.

'The only marked event of the afternoon was, that I saw the girl with whom I had conversed in the verandah dismissed in disgrace by Miss Scatcherd from a history class, and sent to stand in the middle of the large schoolroom. The punishment seemed to me in a high degree ignominious, especially for so great a girl -- she looked thirteen or upwards. I expected she would show signs of great distress and shame; but to my surprise she neither wept nor blushed: composed, though grave, she stood, the central mark of all eyes. "How can she bear it so quietly -- so firmly?" I asked of myself. "Were I in her place, it seems to me I should wish the earth to open and swallow me up. She looks as if she were thinking of something beyond her punishment -- beyond her situation: of something not round her nor before her. I have heard of day-dreams -- is she in a day-dream now? Her eyes are fixed on the floor, but I am sure they do not see it -- her sight seems turned in, gone down into her heart: she is looking at what she can remember, I believe; not at what is really present. I wonder what sort of a girl she is -- whether good or naughty." '

later on, jane gets a chance to speak to helen and asks her why does she not speak up or defend herself and does she not agree that so-and-so are bad people and so on and so forth. helen shares what keeps her going and i can imagine myself in awe of her as jane would have been.

' "Love your enemies; bless them that curse you; do good to them that hate you and despitefully use you."

"Then I should love Mrs. Reed, which I cannot do; I should bless her son John, which is impossible."

In her turn, Helen Burns asked me to explain, and I proceeded forthwith to pour out, in my own way, the tale of my sufferings and resentments. Bitter and truculent when excited, I spoke as I felt, without reserve or softening.

Helen heard me patiently to the end: I expected she would then make a remark, but she said nothing.

"Well," I asked impatiently, "is not Mrs. Reed a hard-hearted, bad woman?"

"She has been unkind to you, no doubt; because you see, she dislikes your cast of character, as Miss Scatcherd does mine; but how minutely you remember all she has done and said to you! What a singularly deep impression her injustice seems to have made on your heart! No ill-usage so brands its record on my feelings. Would you not be happier if you tried to forget her severity, together with the passionate emotions it excited? Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. We are, and must be, one and all, burdened with faults in this world: but the time will soon come when, I trust, we shall put them off in putting off our corruptible bodies; when debasement and sin will fall from us with this cumbrous frame of flesh, and only the spark of the spirit will remain, -- the impalpable principle of light and thought, pure as when it left the Creator to inspire the creature: whence it came it will return; perhaps again to be communicated to some being higher than man -- perhaps to pass through gradations of glory, from the pale human soul to brighten to the seraph! Surely it will never, on the contrary, be suffered to degenerate from man to fiend? No; I cannot believe that: I hold another creed: which no one ever taught me, and which I seldom mention; but in which I delight, and to which I cling: for it extends hope to all: it makes Eternity a rest -- a mighty home, not a terror and an abyss. Besides, with this creed, I can so clearly distinguish between the criminal and his crime; I can so sincerely forgive the first while I abhor the last: with this creed revenge never worries my heart, degradation never too deeply disgusts me, injustice never crushes me too low: I live in calm, looking to the end." '

wow.

***

i also want to talk about one more thing. we don't have to keep defending ourselves and our egos. IT'S NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. seriously. you can complain all you want to me, you can pour out all your emotions on me, you can call me and preempt me before the other party strikes. but i am not the judge or the jury and i don't care about who's right or wrong. all i care about is that you guys are willing to address this and work something out together. that's all.

to a hypothetical you and the specific you

i'm writing all this here because you can't even bear to look at me, like a thing which should be despised. you don't have to take a single word here seriously. after all, you've already made your mind up about who you are, who i am and who everyone else is. i've been doing some thinking this week and here's what i figured whether you care to know or not.

i'm done with bashing myself up and apologising for not being the way you want me to be. you know what? too bad. go ahead, call me all sorts of things. push all the old buttons. try new ones if the old ones aren't getting you the results you want. tell another story about something which happened years ago even after we've apologised for the 587th time. and yes, do remind us about all the things you've done for us. then go out there and act like only your day's been ruined and it's everyone else's fault. really, go all out. tell everyone noone understands you and then, do nothing to understand others. blog about the injustices of the world against you. use all sorts of four-letter words on whoever you please and act as though the world has come crashing down on you when someone says it to your face. i'm serious, go out there and label everyone as you see fit. hypocrite, emotional, punkass, plastics, girl with a load of psychology bullshit, first child who gets everything, whatever you please. then explode like an atomic bomb when even just one is used on you. no, i mean it, just go ahead. after all, it's your life, your words, your actions, YOUR choices.

and YOUR consequences.

you see, but are you really looking? you're hurt, but can you really feel? it's easy to feel sympathy for lonely old people and the victims of the blood diamonds craze when it's not you we're talking about. when it's not you who's to be blamed. it's easy to be blinded by anger when it's you injustice has occured against. it's not easy to immediately put yourself in the shoes of the ones you rage against. but so what if it's easy, or not easy?

for years and years and years.

but no longer. no longer will i be there to take it all in. anymore. from anyone. i'll talk to you still. i'll choose to understand you still. i'll love you still with no condition. but don't talk to me if you cannot respect me (you don't even have to like me). oh, and there's a difference between plain respect and authority.





new beginning new freshness.