please take this cup away from me



i guess i'm breaking the rule now!! that's my new desktop wallpaper!! you see, i really dread doing this 10-page business to business marketing lit review. it's due next friday but we're leaving for north island on thursday night and i have a pricing and distribution test next wed and i'm leaving for queenstown this friday for a ski trip and will be back on sunday night and cannot study on the trip because i don't have the textbook and can't find one and thus, have been doing all my readings via course reserve, so i will only have monday to wednesday next week to study which means no time for lit review in between which means....pausing for breath...i have to finish the dreaded thing by this friday. BYE!

i dream

almost every single time (when there's still daylight) i step out of the small laundry room, i just stand still for a few moments and let my eyes feast on the calming/overwhelming sight of the rolling hills in the distance. i watch how sunlight bathes the grass and i picture myself just sitting there one day, doesn't matter when, just sitting on one of those slopes in the sunlight where everything below will look so so small and nothing matters but that moment i'm in and the grass dancing in the wind, with some playfully poking my bare feet, and the clouds floating overhead and the quietness of it all. sometimes, i wish i could just roll on those hills, rolling here rolling there, rolling like those slopes would never end. and when i'm tired, i'd just stop wherever i am, lie on my back and watch the sky. the sun wouldn't be piercing but hot enough for me to be comfortably warm with a gentle breeze tickling my face. sometimes, the sky would be pink because of sunset and that's when i will smile even wider, because sunsets and evenings are my favourite times of day. before i turn around to walk back to my flat, i'd tell myself, "this is actually your home for now. aren't you lucky?" and i'd walk back dreamily and contented.

why don't i just turn into a sheep right?

i remember a holiday in melbourne. we were in some park. papa and mama waited for us kids somewhere. us kids, we were running up slopes on this mini hill just so we could run down them again and oh it gave us such a kick.

sometimes, the days/nights get a little mundane, i look up at the sky with all its stars and i know life is never ordinary. sometimes, the day/nights get so so noisy and congested, i look up at the sky with all its stars and imagine myself on the moon where it must be oh so quiet and i secretly float away into those thoughts.

this is how i never get bored much. this is why i'm hardly cynical. this is why there's always something that can inspire. i just remember (and i remember alot!), i just dream, i just imagine the possibilities because hey...it just might be possible and there's so much we don't know! don't ever stop dreaming and hold on to the memories of those moments when your heart was more alive than ever. at least, that's what i do.

now i can breathe!

saturday was a rather hair-pen-ning day. the otago singapore club organised a lunch to celebrate national day at the golden harvest restaurant. it was a hearty affair for those with a hearty appetite. i ate to my heart's (and stomach's) content, walloping as much of the chilli stuff as i could. made a mental note to go back there for dim sum or more of the yummy food we gorged on. we also received some of the ndp stuff which you guys back in singapore might have received at the parade, like that ridiculous-looking fish hat (i seem to totally dig ridiculous-looking hats) and this really cool hand-held fan with some laser thing that spells out "happy birthday singapore". impressive!

managed to rest for a while at home before heading for the otago indian cultural night, held in conjunction with india's independence day. though entertaining and educational in some places, i was sore that there was no bhangra!! bhangra, to me, is one of the coolest dances there is! the energy and passion and forcefulness of the dance is just awe-inspiring. i think i've never seen so many indians in one place before in dunedin. and people were all dressed like it was deepavali or some indian wedding!!! i think that's cos they hardly get to wear their gorgeous indian clothes in dunedin, inclusive of blings-blings and jing-a-lings. mansi was incredibly happy and i can tell that she, together with so many of the other indian nationals, are fiercely proud of their country. i remember asking mansi(my flatmate from india, look how happy she is in the photos!) how to sing her national anthem and she said we had to stand at attention to do it and i was thinking, man, sometimes we just rattle off our own national anthem in such a joking manner and here's someone who wouldn't sing it until she was in the correct disposition to. the programme ended with the anthem and as i looked around at the faces of those singing it and listened to the chorus rise, i couldn't help but be amazed and whoa-ed because you could really feel their passion and their love for their country.

the after-party was held at 10 bar. i've not gone clubbing in quite a while and was reminded why i don't anymore. something about crowds really unleashes some violent tendencies in me! haha. i mean, i can't dance when my hands are all glued to my side. unless i was mr bean. and because it was so crowded and squashy, alot of pushing wass going on, people were getting drinks spilt on them, staring competitions ensued, couples got closer. but anyway, the crowd wasn't such a big problem and i was there on a mission. it was a special night in 10 bar because they got a renowned dj down from aukland who was known from spinning good indian music. everything sounded totally foreign to me (yes, i'm indian) but it didn't matter. i just wanted to know what an indian party in a bar in dunedin would be like. i just danced and danced, immitating and inventing and improvising moves. it was fun, and funny, especially when you see the ang mohs trying to copy those moves as well! haha.

i also think we are successfully turning winnie (my hong kong flatmate) into an indian. she now loves indian food and she was there with us, partying and bobbing to indian music and even attempting to learn the dappankuthu dance. which i think is one of the more energetic and crazy dances i've ever seen!

as a consequence of all that dancing, spent the whole of sunday nursing my bruised body. i was aching everywhere and i think i was just...exhausted.

monday's come and i have to really slog like a dog (dogs don't really slog, do they?) before my north island trip during the break. wow, i can't believe that the MID-TERM break is already almost here! really fast!

i gotta go cook dinner now. winnie is starving! haha. we're gonna try something new. wish us luck!

41 days
(click on pictures for enlargement)

that's how long its been since i left home.

sunday, 1st july

boarded the flight to christchurch. it's funny how you look forward to something so much but when it comes you get cold feet. you're bombarded with "what if"s and "did i do the right thing"s and all that other nonsense. yes, nonsense. it's then that you really have to tell yourself, focus, shireen, or mary jane or mutu or whoever.

look back and you turn into stone or a pillar of salt (from your tears maybe) like lot's wife. no, look forward instead, life is waiting for you!

and the same things which made my heart ache with the pain of goodbye gave me strength. the loves of my life. family, friends,aunty, mutu (haha)...they were with me to the very second the glass doors of changi airport separated us. but even then, nothing could separate their love from me.

i was practically running to my flight though! paid about $200 or so (that was a heavily bargained price by the way!) for overweight luggage (42kg!!! max was 23kg.) by the time we got all that sorted, prayed and did all the hugging, i had like minutes left to board my flight!

monday, 2nd july

the sight of the southern alps on south island new zealand welcome me. i'm one of the last to leave baggage claim and clear customs because i'm waiting for my guitar. at the baggage desk, a young guy looks stressed. i overhear his conversation. his luggage is lost and he has been travelling for days, from hungary to germany to singapore to new zealand. plane delays, lost luggage. i see my guitar and walk on to screen my 42kg and slightly more worth of luggage. (they screen luggage and practically empty your bags to make sure you don't bring in any unauthorised foods). i was praying that they wouldn't open my luggage not because i brought my whole fridge from singapore (i didn't, just instant noodles, chicken rice chilli, blabla), but because packing was KILLER seriously! and praise god, they asked me to proceed to the xray machines instead.

there, yan, my dad's friend's sister, met me (it was the first time in my life i ever saw her or spoke to her! and many more people to come.) and i was worried about the excess baggage allowance for my connecting flight to dunedin. and she offered to bring down the excess for me because she was going to be driving around south island in a few days and would be stopping by dunedin! thank you god! thank you yan! so there i was unpacking and repacking at christchurch airport, my belongings a mini-musuem for the world to see. then yan drove me around and brought me back like 10 minutes before my flight was bound to take off! story of my life these 2 days. she wasn't panicking so i thought i didn't have to either.

funny thing is, i get on the flight and guess who's in my row? the hungarian guy i saw earlier. an old lady sits between us and we 3 get quite friendly with each other. then i find out that the hungarian guy is also bound for exchange at the university of otago and he tells us his whole unfortunate story again (which i actually heard earlier). the old lady buys us cookies (because the plane didn't have proper food) as we had both not eaten for a while and as we part ways at dunedin airport, she blows me a flying kiss and i am wowed!

hungarian guy and i almost miss our bus to our accomodation because he is busy looking for this person and that counter to sort out his luggage dilemma but to no avail. i make a call to the transport company and the lot come back to fetch the 2 of us. (oh my gosh!! how will i finish this post if i go on at this rate??soo....will fast forward some bits!)

so i checked into my acommodation, toroa international house. nice flat, nice flatmates, pretty much a nice place to stay. but i won't talk about it much here. i'll put up another post about life in dunedin sometime. and the hungarian guy, keep bumping into him around school and in funny situations. he finally got his luggage haha.

saturday, 7th july


my first trip here was to moeraki with a bunch of singaporeans i met here (all from NUS!). nice bunch. moeraki was beautiful. i just wanted to stay there and imagine i was all alone and there was nothing but the sea and me and these strange round boulders and who knows how they got here (i guess there's an explanation but i like to make things sound mysterious and dramatic). i walked along the shore looking for shells, remembering those wildwood days last year and the special shells i found meant only for me. i admired the greenness of the sea and let the wind mess up my hair. saw a little boy sitting on one of the boulders who refused to leave and get down even after his family walked pretty far away. as though it pained him greatly to leave this rock he claimed as his own.

old train station in oamaru, shanny (un)intentionally poses

after moeraki, it was still early so we decided to check out oamaru. it's this little town where we got a really magnicifent view from a hilltop overlooking the coast and the town. there, we were starving and couldn't find a proper place to eat as it was saturday and most places don't function here on weekends, what more a small town! we had some heavenly milkshake here. they ran out of chicken. damn.

top(from left): shanny, me

bottom(from left): eugene, dias, leonard (johnson didn't join us and bavani wasn't in nz yet)

fri, 13th july to sun, 15th july

the next roadtrip involves eugene, shanny, a ford focus and me (and later ron, shanny's darling and the catalyst for the trip). we headed to christchurch to fetch shanny's boyfriend. what a character ron is! haha. the trip to christchurch was lovely. great weather (clear, blue skies), great views (mountains, rivers, ocean), great food (budget new world stuff really, cookietime!!!, and yummy mongers fish and chips at night) and great company.



it was also the first time i pushed a caravan out of snow before. we had made a pit stop while we were driving along the scenic route to play with snow along the roadside. while frolicking in the snow, we see a camper van in distress and the ever helpful eugene walks over to investigate the situation and the next thing i know, we're all pushing the van together out of the snow!

eugene made us walk so much at night i tell you! all because of his beer! haha. walked and walked and walked, i just wanted to go back and plonk into bed.

next day, we headed to the airport to fetch ron (lucky shanny!!). then, we began our roadtrip to the outskirts of christchurch. i really loved those places and they're on my lists of places to go back to again some day. if i have the chance, i would really love to take you and you and you and you there (the you thing inspired by joyce unkhoo).

view en route to akaroa, didn't know where to aim! haha.

akaroa was really lovely and i could imagine just rowing a boat in the lake or whiling the hours away by the dock, just reading a book or playing my guitar or having a cup of coffee and some good ol' conversation with someone i love. or just being quiet and listening to the gulls, the gentle waves, or even just the sound of silence. didn't take a photo because again, i didn't know where to aim the camera. i've resorted to taking videos whenever i'm lost for choice now! i'm compiling them for my own lonely planet kind of video. it's in the works.

next, we drove through clouds (i'm not kidding!) to little akaloa. we found it by accident and curiousity. i really love this place too! it was a little inlet or bay or whatever you call it between two cliffs, with the big wide ocean outside. quiet little place with nice little houses and these old school boats and an abandoned tyre and clean air and the sound of the waves again. little akaloa, goes on the list too.

at little akaloa. i somehow had an affinity for this tyre. god knows why.

after a whole day on the road, we headed back to the hostel to rest for a SHORT while before going for our ALL BLACKS GAME!!! haha, yes you read it right. main reason why i came on the trip actually (not ron! haha, that's shanny's.) we met yan and her friend, hansel, again, for dinner, then briskwalked to the game cos the buses were all not stopping (too full!). i got alot of stares and comments because well, you see, i was wearing quite a ridiculous-looking hat. refer to pic. i gotta admit, i'm really a fake all blacks fan and i hope some crazed all blacks fan doesn't come to this blog and start cyber-stalking me and spamming my comment box with hate msges. because well, kiwis take their rugby really seriously.

the haka (dance of challenge) was awesome though. and haka is the name of my flat so i have an affinity for it. and the atmosphere was really electrifying. i know nuts about rugby and didn't give a damn who won but i just cheered anyway. loudly for the all blacks of course. (and silently for the south african springboks.)

the drive back the next day saw us on the scenic route again. shanny wanted ron to see the mountains and the snow up-close. we decided to go explore a lake on the way, thus taking an off-beaten track (one of the many taken and many to come) to find our way there. it was an adventure reaching the lake but better left unelaborated. i was picturing myself taking a sip of natural springwater from the lakes and smacking my lips in satisfaction. but when we got there, the lake(s) were all frozen!!! haha. there were actually people ice-skating on it and i really wished then that i had brought a pair of ice-skates (not that i have a pair to start with) along because hello, it's not like i get the chance to ice-skate on a real-life lake everyday, what more, surrounded by mountains! and also because, a few days before, toroa had organised an ice-skating night with a retro theme and i had put on my most retro outfit and learnt how to ice-skate and was RACING others by the end of it! gave me such a kick!

saturday, 21st july


the office for international students at otago makes up to us for our cancelled peninsula trip by organising another for us. so off we go in 3 busloads to the otago peninsula to spot penguins and albatrosses. we saw none. but we saw some really gorgeous sights. the most gorgeous ones i couldn't capture on camera because my camera battery died. and just as well because i was battling wind, rain and hail. but i saw the most beautiful rainbow i've ever seen in my life. it was at this beach (i don't even know what it's called) and there were 2 rainbows actually! full ones! one end touching the water, the other, the rocks on land. and what a sight to behold! i walked backwards after every 3 steps while leaving because i just had to get as much of it as i could! the beach itself was beautiful, with hidden caves here and there and a huge rocks scattered all over. aaah. and of course, the bbq dinner after that was heaven! free as well! haha. went home to thaw though cos i got really wet at that rainbow beach and i've been falling in and out of sickness since then!

saturday, 4th august
we had our toroa ball. the theme was masquerade and the ticket was a mask which we had to decorate. i think mine looked like something fit for a chinese wayang (opera)! it was accidental. people seem to take balls really seriously over here. so well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em right? so we all dressed up, carried our masks to the ball (at otago musuem), took lots of pictures (i took some too because everyone was taking pictures and i felt quite awkward just sitting at the table and drinking water because food was not ready yet, i was starving i tell you!), oooh and aaaahed at people's outfits and whatever, ate like there was no tomorrow (i paid the price the next day), danced like we were in a club to music that skipped and we tried to like (but well, when i dance, the music doesn't really matter. dancing alone gets me high, really! i realise that there were times when i was sad and alone in my room, and i'd just start dancing to a song on my player and find myself feeling happy and optimistic very soon! maybe i should dance more when i'm alone! on the street, in the bathroom, in my sleep, cooking!). but i missed you alot.

oh yes, i haven't introduced bavani. she's a really cute little package, methinks. we had to look for her and leonard on a mountain (ok, hill) at night because they got lost. i suspect she was going ooh and aaah looking at stars or something and he must have been fidgeting with his camera and when they got back to reality, found the whole group vanished into thin air. it was quite a walk that one. we joined the tramping club for this trek and because bavani, dias, winnie (my flatmate) and i reached late, they had started without us and we spent the whole uphill portion totally breathless and wanting to die trying to catch up with them. i seriously wanted to let myself go and roll down the hill. when we reached the part with no lights however, it was really amazing. i could see soooooo many stars! and then, dias would turn to us once in a while and his head light would totally blind me. dias is real up-to-date with all these gadgets. he's the man when it comes to these things. the trek down was a surprise! muddy, steep...i slipped once even. this was the part where we found those 2 missing! and everyone had gone ahead, even the tramping club members! long story short, they were found and we're all safe now. i felt bad for asking winnie to come, after all that chaos and the tiredness and craziness of it all. furthermore, it was a really last-minute thing. but she actually enjoyed herself thank god! and i actually enjoyed myself too, in some weird way. it was a really new and different experience. washing our shoes after that was a whole other challenge.


so bavani, i knew i liked her the moment i met her and even more so, when i went over to her house (she lives near me, in toroa, woohoo!) the first time to finish up her chicken curry leftovers! since then, i've been a regular at helping them to clear their plates!

so this was us fending off the paparazzi (whom we kinda imposed on to hound us for these shots).


well, this is pretty much what i've been up to in pictures. other than that, been up to alot of other things as well. meeting people, going for mass (the church is nearby, yay! it's called holy name), getting introduced to yummy hot chocolate, eating lotsa sushi, buying $1 books at a booksale in an old theatre, shopping, chilling out at friends' places, planning trips, getting a car, cooking, cleaning, grocery-shopping, playing guitar, composing some songs, jamming with some people randomly, potlucks, being quiet, spending too many hours on the computer, reading, laughing, crying, stoning, sighing, so on and so forth. oh yes, and of course, studying and finishing assignments as well. for real! but i'll talk more about all this in that post about my life in dunedin. i've kinda been on this post for HOURS! i'm done now and can't really end with anything philosophical or life-changing or sappy.

i miss you alot though. it's harder this time, but i'm holding firm. i love you.

p.s. please keep melt's late grandma in your prayers. melt, if you read this, hang in there! i love you! god bless. (hug)
p.s.2. happy (belated) national day! i couldn't watch the live telecast here. hate it that i'm missing fireworks!
p.s.3. at times when i fail to blog, you can always refer to shanny's or eugene's blogs (refer to sidebar) for updates. shanny's more frequent at updating though. good on ya, mate!
p.s.4. these p.s.'s remind me of something familiar. hope you're fine.

what if i was called to be small, like really small, to be the least amongst the least?
what if my heart was called to be really big, so big i could explode from it?
what if i was called to let myself dissolve into nothingness, to make nothing about me?
what do i do with these desires, do i die to them all but one? because that one desire, if recognised, would consume my everything and nothing less?

wave after wave, the cup i'm swimming in is filling fast. and as the water rises, i'm begining to ask myself, is this what you are calling me to see, to be? because lately, i've come to realise that my love is not as selfless as i would desire it to be. most of the time, it seems to be about me. "do you see? do you notice?" and i wonder, how can two people love so differently, one so patient and constant, one so impulsive and wild, and both call it "love"? lately, i'm starting to see that perhaps they're two different ends of the spectrum. one, almost selfless. one, almost selfish. and the questions above, i've been thinking about them more and more, as the days go by, as i find myself sometimes curling up into a ball, feeling utterly torn apart inside, between my desire to be loved the way i want to and the desire to love the way i want to. it scares the hell out of me. but what is fear anyway? can i believe that my love could ever be THAT big?

i just wanted to say...

ever since i came to new zealand, i've been continually surprised by a certain realisation...loneliness doesn't seem to touch me here. and another funny thought has been rolling around in my mind, bittersweet, sharp and mild, like a super-cola sweet in the warm coccoon of my mouth...only two things make me cry here, onions and.

and then yesterday, i had forgotten to change my sim card to my new zealand one the whole day (maybe i forgot on purpose cos i was waiting for. (punctuation intended, explanation perceived as necessary for my greek blogging) (does this not look almost like a maths equation/problem?)). so at 745pm, i get a call and in 10 minutes, i was all dressed up and ready to go watch harry potter. tickets were booked for me since morning, i had no idea. they were trying to contact me the whole day day, i had no idea. i was feeling totally sick the whole day, and i predicted a night of lying in bed or staring at my laptop (waiting some more, thank god it was not so). next thing i know, i was whisked away in a little car to watch a glasses-wielding young wizard try yet again to defeat he-who-must-not-be-named, followed by late night supermarket shopping (hey, there was a car and i know a good opportunity when i see one). and i was thinking to myself, how life can change with just one phonecall (don't some of us just know this too well). or the change of a sim card. and i cut my connection with one whole part of my life. and begin one (sometimes, again) with another.

when the skies here are blue, they are very blue. and at night, when the sky is clear, i see more stars than i've seen anywhere else in the world (though the kiwis don't seem to see what's the big deal as they say i ain't seen nothing yet). and it just blows my mind, that something so limitless can exist. again and again, it just blows my mind.

we were driving along the outskirts of christchurch, rolling hills, blue blue lakes, snow-covered mountains, and at times i wondered, why wasn't my heart beating so fast? it usually would. and i realised, it's cos it all seemed too easy. me being there. it was just too easy. how could i just...be there...like that? by accident (there was no accident! i feel like this whole post is filled with unintended puns!)...unplanned...in a little blue car...hour after hour, how could there be more and more?? it just seems so unreal sometimes. all this. how can there be a new gorgeous place to see weekend after weekend? insane!

and providence. from the moment i left singapore. each step of my way, each day, each meal, each..everything, it's pretty hard to explain. and it's probably the reason why i'm pretty cool about everything, no worries. i know, i mean, i really just KNOW, that god's hand is upon me. i know his angels are doing a real kickass job. oh you won't believe! and i know that there are many people who love me and are praying for me everyday. and like all those other times when i've gone for mass in foreign countries, it's no different here. i love it! it really makes me appreciate the eucharist more and it really becomes the highlight of my sunday. there's just me anyway. i tried to ask certain catholics i had met here whether they would like to go for mass with me on sundays, but it appears that catholics don't go to church anymore! haha. and of all people, my hindu flatmate, whom i hadn't even asked, said she would accompany me some sundays because she finds it very peaceful just being there.

over here, i love to ask questions. i love to contribute in class. i make more effort to do readings and catch up on work and study a little harder. i don't know why. the strangest thing is there's no class participation point system here. and the stranger thing is, in SMU, when there's one, i just find it such an ABHORRING CHORE to participate. class participation points. yuck. i guess it's got something to do with intrinsic and extrinsic motivations and rewards. that theory about being more intrinsically motivated to achieve something or fulfil a task when the external gains are few, if any, and the higher the external gains/rewards, the lower the intrinsic motivation for the task or whatever, it's just extrinsic.

this post should have been a long one, full of pictures. i've been here almost a month. i've been away from home for almost a month! i feel like i've been here forever. sometimes, the past starts to feel like a dream. i remember things, i remember people, i remember reno's head on my lap, i remember waking up on my bed in the morning and opening my eyes to the blue sky and the purple walls, i remember walking on the field to the busstop under the hot afternoon sun, i remember driving the car around at nights, i remember alot of things, random things, sentimental things, bizarre things. but they're just memories, there are holes in them, blurs in some corners. guess because everything around me is so unfamiliar and foreign, and somehow, not. and i find i don't wonder about tomorrow. i don't know what tomorrow will bring and it doesn't seem to matter. i deal with tomorrows as they come. my mind is filled with less thoughts, consuming thoughts, thoughts consuming thoughts. and my head and heart seem to be where my feet is. there's a certain kind of peace that comes with that. until the part when i think about. then i blink my eyes and walk on. that's the part i don't know how to deal with. maybe sometimes i purposely think about it, i purposely remember it, i purposely get sad and all emo about it, so that i'd know it's worth coming back to again some day. i really don't know.

does it sound like i've gone cold or bonkers, like the winter here? far from it really. by the way, the last 2 days have been pretty pleasant. 15 degrees celsius. it's like all of a sudden, spring/summer invaded and the board shorts, tank-tops and slippers all suddenly appeared. i'm not kidding.

but don't worry. i will do it eventually. that long post. and oh, what a long post it will be!!! and it'll probably take me a few days..insane!!! just can't promise when. i'm pretty random like that. i like it like that. but i do know i've got lots to say, when have i ever not?

ever watched "crash"? sometimes i feel so afraid i'll turn into sandra bullock's character. angry, paranoid and unhappy for the longest time. we look at her and think, nar, we'll never be that anal. but you know what? it doesn't seem so impossible, at least for myself.

i didn't sleep much last night. i keep thinking and thinking. but this isn't really something new. everytime i'm about to leave the country, i get like this. i start thinking about goodbyes, all sorts of goodbyes. death, especially. i start thinking about all the relationships i have in life. i start thinking about things i should and want to do. have i flown a kite yet? have i eaten ba chor mee at 85 yet? have i had the conversations i've really wanted to have with certain people? did i make my peace with everyone? did i let them all know just how much i love them?

but late last night as i lay in bed, i felt disappointed and scared. i felt that my last days here would be bitter and rushed. i felt that i hadn't made my peace with some people. i felt that i had forgotten to love some people. i felt that i still hadn't been loved the way i want to be. i felt that i had failed to "get" some people and failed to be "gotten" by others. and i just cried helplessly into my pillow as though i were grieving for something.

time's running out for me here. i know it's not like i'm dying. but we can never be too sure about that. and being away from almost everyone you've ever known and loved, you just can't take chances here. that's why the moment between life and death is so intense. everything becomes brighter and bigger and i guess a sense of isolation also kicks in because the people around you can't understand that.

don't get me wrong. i love travelling. it made up most of my dreams when i was younger and still does. but there's a tricky part to travelling. two, actually. the goodbyes. and then, the hellos. (how do you start over? just.like.that.)

romance, friendships, break-ups, births, deaths, going away, coming home, life before death, life after death. you gotta admit, there's some travelling involved there. some hellos, some goodbyes. and the heart will undergo some extremities. intense pain, the aches seem almost unbearable. intense joy, as though you would just burst any second.

i just needed to say this, to who i don't know. we're all bursting with things we're dying to say, we all just want to be gotten. but there's lots to be thankful for too. and god forbid i ever forget to be grateful! i'm sad, but i'm also really alot of other things. so stay tuned for the next post...

the only thing

if you knew the one you loved with all you had was going to die tomorrow, would you hold him/her a bit more tightly today? keep showering him/her with kisses? keep telling him/her how much you love her? keep gazing at his/her face and focusing on nothing else but him/her? keep holding his/her hand in yours? would you buy him/her his/her favourite food/flower? sing his/her favourite song to him/her? make him/her laugh a little harder? hug him/her closer when the tears are falling?

then let me tell you something my friends.

you should do that everyday for the ones you love. what makes you so sure that tomorrow will come for you? or for the ones you love? really. what makes you so damn sure?

so please, swallow your pride, place your selfishness aside, suck in your tiredness, let go of your anger and unforgiveness, forget about your laziness and know why you are here. never take anything or anyone for granted. live like there's only today. love like there's no tomorrow. because, really, is there?

There's only us,
There's only this,
Forget regret,
Or life is your to miss,
No other road,
No other way,
No day but today

- from Rent

do you realise?

all these photos and what do i do with them?

easter, christmas, new year...i love these times of year, discounting all the huff and puff and blow the house off dust and "make sure you wear something proper, go wear that dress!" and ladadeeda! the family gets together and it's nice. and from time to time, there are new additions, and that's also nice. and occasionally, well, there are some subtractions. well, you do the math. we still remember them and they're there with us in our hearts.

easter is the celebration of new life and how apt it is that almost every easter has coincided with the time of 3 of our birthdays (the april babies)! my uncle (joe) on the 8th, mine on the 10th and my grandma (amama) on the 12th (which is today! happy birthday amama! if you happen to be surfing the net and come across this! haha!).



no family gathering is complete without the stereo effect of the twins. of course, we have to brace ourselves for the side-splitting laughter they generate with their crazy sense of humour. kudos to mervin who managed to tahan their teasing!

a burst of sunshine in the shade! seems like all the smile-inducing people (reno included) are decked in similar colour tones today. that's nisha patting reno rally royal.

you see what i mean! that guy with that smile that makes his eyes disappear, that's haresh! nisha was quite thrilled with him. it's always amusing to see little kids charmed by other little kids and suddenly acting like older brothers or sisters. amazing!


these two guys (uncle ishu and joe) are hilarious. they were like best friends the whole time! they claimed they were having "heart to heart talks" and i found that terribly funny! the story behind it is that they've both suffered heart attacks at one point or another and so they were giving each other advice on food the whole time and the funny thing is, they were seeking each other's approval to eat all the unhealthy food! "is it ok?" "yea little bit can lar." "ok!" hahaha.

mervin came over later. he looks a bit duh. i think he's still recovering from the boohoos my cousins gave him haha. poor thing. and maybe cos we overfed him. shrug.

somehow i just really really love this card!!!! not bad ar, praaaaaaaak (everyone call mervin that from now on)!

look at what pravin made for me!! he designed some t-shirts for me using my real photos haha. i was really very touched. thank you again!

and would you believe it? the contractors who are doing up my house now (painting and repairing our ceilings) gave me a present and a cake!! melt! they gave me this thing below. the holy family and crucifix on something that looks like an open bible and the coolest part is when you turn the switch on at the bottom, these techno-looking lights come on! haha. looks like something you'd find on an ah beng's car dashboard!



and of course, though i can't put a picture of them here, i got some beautiful gifts from my long-time "anonymous" friend from a faraway place! thank you again!can't wait to enjoy them properly after the exams! =)

moving on, i was ransacking one of my drawers today to look for those mini post-its to tag my notes (thank goodness the exams are all open-book this time!) and i found a few things of note.

look! a connect 4 pen!! haha. but alas, there are only 3 seeds in it! =\

i also found these notes! look familiar, anyone?

they're from neilly and zee. i still remember that day. it was a tues or weds. the night before, i had gotten my heart broken. we were having our 830am MA(managerial, or management, accounting)class. as all other 830am classes days at that time, i took a lift from jeremy's dad. i remembered how i was tearing in the car all the way to school since no one could see me in the backseat. and when we reached school, i told jeremy to go to class first and i ran off to the toilet to cry it all out for a while. when i came out, jeremy was still there and he saw my eyes (they get really red when i cry). and he stayed with me and we talked and i cried some more and he ran to the toilet to get a whole bunch of toilet paper so i could wipe my tears away. we were of course really late but i just didn't give a damn that morning.

i thought the tsunami of tears was over. or so i thought. but in class, they were there alright, threatening to spill over ever so often. i can't remember whether i was crying in class while the lecture was going on. i don't know. but i knew i had to get out of there because the tears were stinging hot in my eyes. i just couldn't see how i was ever going to be happy again. i finally left the class and walked to a bench in a quiet corner and called sheryl and told her the same thing i had told jeremy earlier and then cried a whole lot more. ya lar, i'm a cry baby what!

i can't remember exactly when they gave me those notes. neilly and zee wrote these little notes to me and i was touched. those were the times of the teacuppers. haha. well, those times are now floating somewhere in time, but they're there alright. 2 years have passed since then and things aren't really the same anymore. still, it's nice to remember. somehow, in these painful moments of gut-wrenching heartbreak and heartbreaking loneliness, someone out there is still looking out for you to make sure you have all you need to get through. no, you won't get what you want (hey, that's really a good thing sometimes), but you'll get what you need to get through it all.

ooops, i went on and on. but here are those notes!


and then, i found this notebook! i had it from way back in 2003.

i remember it was 2003 because i saw the plans sheryl and i wrote out during our Club Med Bintan trip after the prelims. everyone was stressing about the 'A's but sheryl and i were flying on trapezes and lying on deckchairs along the white sandy beaches of bintan. haha. this only happens with sheryl i tell you! wait till you hear about her plans for the coming year! well, here are the plans. we did most or all of it!


there were lots of other things in that notebook. job interview appointments, telephone numbers, letters to god, ambitions, things to do, books to read, movies to watch. that's what happens when you give me pen and some paper. i just have to write something down all the time! and well, there were also quotations in that book and i'll just end off with the one below (i have no idea where i got it from!). with love!

below is a sharing i posted on another blog which i am part of. one of the mustard seed community's cell group blogs. thought i'd share it over here too...

***

i haven't really been blogging ANYWHERE for a while. but anyway, i'm in school now and it's 1035am. i actually took a cab down and reached here about 1020am and though i was late for my 10am meeting (which i am) BUT...

but noone else is here!!! either on their way or overslept or suddenly had "something important". faint faint faint. (!!!!!) haha here's what i'm trying to figure out. you see, i decided to take the 147 from a different busstop today which meant that i had to cross a road at a traffic light. and while i am waiting at the traffic light, i see a 147 stop at the busstop and as i'm crossing the road it leaves and i can't get it in time. (now if i had walked to the usual busstop i would have gotten it). so at 935am, i decided i should take a cab. while i stand there hailing a cab, THREE 147s (or is it four?) stop and go. and then i decide to change my position to get a cab and walk through the HDB carpark to get to the other main road and there coming towards me is an EMPTY cab (which was so weird cos it was just so hard to get a cab!!). now, this empty cab turned into a carpark lot so i thought it was parking...but it reversed out cos it was actually making a three-point turn to go out. (!!! again) by this time, i was wondering...should i just go home? what was god telling me?

why was it that everything i thought i needed and wanted was just infront of me and yet, not meant for me?

finally, i was waiting there when this big cab u-turned and stopped infront of me because the two sneaky people who both wanted to hail my cab were too slow (they appeared from nowhere lar!). apparently the cab driver had been at the coffeeshop on the opposite side of the road and had seen me there for the longest time...

anyway, i reached school and guess what? i was the only one from my group there!! the room was empty. and i was thinking, if i had taken one of those 147s which god had so generously provided (3 or 4 mind you) right infront of me, i would have also just reached school and saved money. if i had taken the first 147 which left the busstop while i was waiting at the traffic light, i would have been too early even though i was late.

this whole situation this morning was just so ironic. people sometimes use this word, suay (how do u spell it??). and i was thinking, i must have been one helluva suay person this morning. but then, is it really suay just cos everything was so near and yet so far and it seemed like i had wasted time and money? or was it that i was just not going with the flow of life? whose flow? to where? do you take the most obvious thing staring at you in the face? is the road less travelled always the way? maybe the road less travelled is sometimes less travelled because it really shouldn't be travelled on. do you know what i mean???

here's my train of thought:

1. god's will = the flow
2. god's will= for my joy and success(jeremiah 29:11 => For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ")
3. to go against the flow = to go against God's will = to go against joy and success

well, this is my friday morning reflection. and i'll just end of with a prayer.

***

dear god,

sometimes, i am blind or stubborn and am unable to see your plans for me or to live according to your will. i pray that you teach me to be in tune with your will and live according to it no matter where i am or what the time of day is. teach me to abandon my reliance on the world, on emotions, on words, on intellect. teach me to place all my trust in you, to make all decisions firmly rooted in you. guide my hands, my feet, my heart, my mind so that they are all forever heading in your direction, drawing closer and closer to you. home is where the heart is, lord. you are my home and that is where i have always been, am and will be truly happy, that is where your will leads me. remove all barriers and blockages that deter me from flowing down this river that leads to you. thank you and praise you, father, for always waiting so patiently and lovingly for me to come home. thank you for running a hundred steps towards me for every 1 step which i slowly inch towards to you. thank you for the way you embrace me with the warmth and the light of your love. thank you for the abundant blessings you so generously pour out on me and the lessons you teach me each day through everything in life. lord, let me never be blind, let me not fall into those black-holes, but rather, i pray that i will always be thankful and joyful for you are here with me, loving me constantly. teach me to love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, all my strength and teach me to love my neighbour as myself and to be a neighbour to those you have placed before me. i have so much to learn, lord. i am eager and i desire to let my heart be moulded after yours. come, lord, jesus, make me new, create in me a clean heart.
amen.

love,
shireen

***

p.s. suay = unlucky

i wanted to start this post with something ...whoa....you know? to capture the whole day and all these feelings in my heart. but well, this is it i guess. haha.

see, i wanted to find a word that rhymes with blues to replace blues in "monday blues" but i wanted it to be a happy word. can someone think of a good alternative? i decided i'd just get straight to the post. 2 paragraphs and i'm still beginning the post. haha. okok. shut up and talk(type)!

i feel like i'm in my essence today. somehow, i feel hopeful yet again. it's been a long time since i've felt this way, alive and brimming with the joy of just being. term break is over and maybe that's a good thing though all SMU students must think i'm nuts for saying that. and today as i was going to school for my first conflict resolution class, i just knew, like really knew in my heart, that everything was going to be alright...no matter what. more importantly, i simply knew i was on the road to joy. funny i was thinking that because jack johnson's rainbow from the thicker than water album happened to be playing on my player.

Well I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
Yes I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
And there was god,
Tellin me,
"Everything.. Everythings gonna be alright"

i had been telling myself for some time now that i had to snap out of this sadness. the only reason i didn't was because i was too stuck in my ways. in my reply to janice's comment in the last post, i mentioned a bit about how sadness had become addictive. psycho alert! but really, do you ever indulge in misery? do you like to stay in a sad mood longer than you know you should? if you are no stranger to this blog and to me, you are probably no stranger to my blackhole theories. when you are in blackhole, you are sucked into an illusion which seems to create the reality you live in. and everything that enters your sphere of being gets sucked into it as well. you really believe you are weak, powerless, unworthy, unlovable and whatever else you are creative enough to imagine. seriously, there is no truth in these words you tell yourself when you are in such a place, but you believe with all your heart as if it's THE truth. and believe you me, i am one rather creative piece of creation.

why was i so happy today? do you know what it feels like to see things AS THEY ARE? world, this may be no big deal to you but to me, it is mind-blowing. i took the double-decker 147 home today and did something i haven't done in a long time. as i reached the upper deck, one of my blog posts about how i sat right in front of the upper deck of a double-decker one day came to mind and no prizes for guessing where i ended up. as i sat there, i just looked and looked and looked! there was so much to see! and i realised that for once, i was looking without all these things caught in my mind. it was such a pleasure to look really. i looked at the buildings, i looked at the cars, i looked at the drivers, i looked at passengers sitting on upper decks in other double-decker buses, i looked at a man starting up his motorcycle and putting on his helmet, i looked at the huge advertisements on sides of buildings, i looked at the skinny old man cycling his bike across a busy road as though he was the king of it, oblivious to the fact that all the cars were turning onto that road, i looked at the drains, i looked at the grey skies, i looked at the branches of trees and marvelled how they were literally reaching up to the sun, i looked at the old man in his wheelchair sitting at the lobby of the hospital with his caretaker staring blankly at traffic on the road and wondered what was going through his mind, i looked at the windows and doors of flats and wondered who live behind them, i looked and looked and looked and i never felt so happy just simply...looking! everything seemed clearer, more alive, brighter, more hopeful....or maybe it was just me. being in blackholes makes the world so small and dark and you can't really see what is outside. being inside so long makes this experience today feel so new and awe-inspiring, as though i've just been let out of prison, as though my eyes are adjusting to the brightness of the sun after being cooped up in a dark room for so long.

i had to take a picture, you know me. so there i am sitting right infront of the bus with my camera poised to take a picture of some road with trees lining it and it makes me laugh inside thinking what the other passengers must have thought of this.

(looking at this sight just filled me with an inexplicable feeling of something like hope)

upon reaching home, i could not help but recognise that familiar bounce in my step and i could not help but smile. ever smiled for no reason? cuckoo! well, in the words of sheryl crow, if it makes you happy, it can't be that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.....

and just now, mervin and i were going to the minor seminary adoration room for a while to pray. on the way, we stopped at hougang mrt for mervin to top up his card or something and we had to pass by the fair again! i've been dying to go on the ferris wheel, perhaps cos i miss how often we used to go on the rides at moreys piers. but we ended up on the challenger instead!!! haha, it was pretty fun. scary but not that scary. i still decided to scream just for the sake of it and made sure i kept my eyes open throughout, if not, what's the point right?? then i bought some boiled peanuts from the HUUUUUUUUUGE pasar malam (night market) and while waiting for mervin to draw money at the atm, my itchy fingers reached for a $1 coin in my pocket and i put it into the slot machine and turned the knob and bought myself a CLAPBALL. i had no idea what in the world that was and i just needed to know. and my gosh! clap it did!! hahaha. what you do is that you just throw it on the ground and this small little thing makes one helluva noise!! boy was i thrilled! and finally, like two small kids (though mervin says i should say one but whatever!), we headed to the ado. it was a cool experience. i was sitting there reading the gospel of luke and imagining jesus saying those words and doing all those things he did and when i looked up, he was also there in the eucharist right infront of me. 2000 years later, and he's still there, here, even in this little dot of an island in between some hdb blocks, still speaking to me, still working miracles, still forgiving, still healing, still loving...

later on, we took a short walk to punggol park next door so that we could enjoy the boiled peanuts under the clear, starry sky and when we looked up, we saw that a moon corona had formed again, only this time, the ring around it was red, unlike the rainbow one we saw the last time. and it was funny because then it started to look like a pair of lips with a piece of mentos in between and then, it morphed into a monkey's head with a pair of really thick red lips and the mentos still between them. i tried to take a photo but the phone camera wasn't good enough so too bad. as we walked back to the car, we paused a while to look at the reflection of the lights from the hdb blocks nearby in the pond/lake/whatever because for some reason, it just looked beautiful today. here's a picture...

while walking back to the car, we saw this cat lazing on the hood of someone's car and found it pretty funny. the cat just continued posing for this shot (i took pretty long to take it cos it was so dark)...cats...pfft!

and finally, we called it a day. on the way back, we stopped by 7-11 so that he could buy bread and my mocha. and now, i'm back home typing this post so that i won't forget this day. and can i just add a picture of cute little sarah-ann smiling because it would be a crime to not do so? (that's her mommy carrying her and she happens to be my godmama as well.)
and you know during lent, how we decide we want to give up a particular something? i decided what i want to give up (yes i know lent has aready started). i want to give up this bad addiction of mine, this addiction to misery. i don't care anymore why or how i got this way. i just know it's not working and it sure has a way of disconnecting me from god from community from life from love. it is totally disempowering, not just for me but for those around me as well. lent is supposed to be solemn right? for me, it will be a period of joy, of new life and transformation. and when it is over, my old wine skin will be made new to hold the new wine of christ and i will be a new being. i am giving up being sad. (yay!) and i have an action plan for it too. the most important part of this plan...prayer! if there's one thing i've learnt throughout this time of being in this dessert, it probably has got to be something to do with faith. i can't tell you i'm totally enlightened and i know all the answers now, but i can tell you that faith really does move mountains and creates paths where none appear to exist. i knew, yesterday, that i desired to be happy. i didn't know how. but i prayed and i just knew that no matter how tall this request seemed, he would grant me it. and today when i woke up, i didn't have to check whether i had it. i already knew it the moment i prayed.

if the past few weeks, this dessert and the gospel of luke lectures have taught me anything, it is this: lord, i'm not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and i shall be healed.

it's so wonderful to be able to google your own blog!

those close enough to me will know that i have been pretty down and out for quite some time now, such that being sad has become a weekly routine. as usual, i always ask why. as usual, i always analyse and turn into my own psychologist. well, i think i'm better as a story-teller than as a psychologist because i am able to come up with millions of theories that all fit the state i am. the problem is, i don't know which one is the right one. and so now i think, perhaps the question shouldn't be "why" anymore. and perhaps, it shouldn't be me answering it anymore. what's funny is that though i feel i've changed these days, straying farther away from the bubble of joy i believed i used to be for a while, these emotions i experience now and the way i experience them feel so....familiar. as though it's the most normal thing in the world, as though i'm a pro at this, as though i've always been like this!

i was bored and started to google certain words in my blog just now. fireworks, raymond (are you honoured?? i figured there would be some funny entries) and a few others words. and all these entries brought a smile to my face. how happy i sounded then, how unjaded and excited, how light, and sometimes even wise. i wondered whether i would be able to write such entries now and remembered the words a friend had typed in a mail to me, telling me that day by day, it seemed as though i was changing, leaving the little shireen behind. so then, i decided to google the word "sad", knowing i must have used that word in many entries before, considering how sadness seemed to feel like my companion recently. and the results were amazing!

i felt i had found a friend. a friend who totally understood what i was going through and what i was feeling, a friend who understood the loneliness and silence that has been plaguing me for so often now, a friend who had fallen deep into blackholes and crawled out of it. for those who are confused, i'm talking about this girl (especially towards the bottom). yes, i was right. this is not the first time and perhaps it is not that i have changed, i have just stayed in this place longer than i should. reasons and triggers may have changed but what i am going through is nothing new. i've just been telling the same story of this experience in different words and different ways and all it's done is confused me terribly, i've fallen into a mess.

isn't it amazing? google helped me to find myself! haha. ha.

i'm not done yet. there is one more thing. I HAVE FORGOTTEN TO PRAY. and i think this is the most important part. i'm not talking about forgetting to pray for good things and to be happy. that is really more like asking. i'm talking about how i've disconnected myself from god so much, no different from how i've disconnected myself from so many people in my life at this moment. and i'm not just talking about plain talking. i'm talking about how the reception has become like static noise on the radio when the connection is poor, cluttered and almost totally out of the required frequency. i'm talking about how bit by bit, day by day, i've been tuning out.

i think i've rolled in the mud long enough for now.